Numb
by katydid13
Summary: Now a multi-part story.
1. Chapter 1

_Note: This is an unbetaed one shot. I wanted to get out some things I think Sam might be thinking, but I don't have a good sense of how to write the conversation that I think he really needs to have with Andy, so I'm going to be happy with getting them to the point of the conversation._

Sam Swarek was just numb. He had been angry, but now he was numb. He knows he was awful to Andy and should try and fix it, but he just can't. He feels as if it takes everything he has just to get through the day.

Occasionally, he thinks how many things have changed since Jerry died and how much he misses his and how much his death has turned everything upside.

Sam suspects that Oliver is numb too and that he is drinking too much. Well, probably they both are. He's been to Oliver's new place once for cards, but it's too weird. Oliver is actually living in Andy's old place. Apparently, she felt she had to leave after everything that happened. He didn't hear this from her of course.

Diaz, Epstein, Collins, and Callaghan have closed ranks around the McNally, Peck, and Nash. Sam is occasionally allowed near Nash and Peck, but they do their best to keep him from McNally. They let Oliver in sometimes, but Sam can tell they don't think much of how he and Oliver are handling things. He's gotten that vibe from Best and Williams too, although Noel keeps inviting him, and Oliver over for dinner out of what he is pretty sure is pity.

He knows that Collins and Callaghan nudged Andy and Gail into sharing that fancy place, with fancy security. He's knows, but he's fairly certain that Andy and Gail don't, that certain that Collins, Callaghan, Diaz, and Epstein have all made it a point to know the front desk security and point out if they see any problems. He's heard Tommy McNally and Peck's parents have too, although, less subtly than the guys from 15 Division.

Sam heard from Oliver that Tommy McNally actually called him to get his help in convincing Andy she needed to buy a car so she would stop taking cabs. Oliver enlisted Diaz and Epstein in that project, and now Andy owns a car.

Sam thought maybe Callaghan was after Andy again, but apparently he was wrong. There is nothing but friendship there. Callaghan is intensely focused on his career but is also being a great mentor to Traci.

He knows that Nash suddenly has a community service project about safety in apartments and condos, talking with management companies, tenant associations, and condo boards. Oliver has told him that she tries to act like it was just something that came down from headquarters, he's heard that Nash put the idea into the Chief's head when he sought her out to see how she was doing after Jerry's death. Being rattled by the fact that his goddaughter, a trained copper, was abducted partly because of sloppy condo security, and seeing the PR benefits he agreed.

Sam is glad to see the Rookies close ranks after the tragedy. He'd like to be an integral part of this, but he just feels so stuck, so tired, and so lost. He knows Sarah is worried about him, but he has a hard time getting up the energy to do anything about it.

Sam also knows that he has a short temper with suspects. Chris was the first to call him on it. Then Luke called him on it. Then something gets back to Frank. Frank responds with an ultimatum that Sam talk to someone.

So Sam Swarek is in counseling. At first he's determined to get his mandatory session over with and not open up. But they guy he's seeing is good. He gets Sam to talk, to acknowledge the walls he's built up because of his childhood, his sadness at Jerry's death, and the mess he made of his relationship with Andy. He pushed her away out of fear and grief.

After the work, he has done on himself, Sam wants to try and make things right with Andy. He knows he can't expect her to take him back. He knows they have both have things to work on if by some miracle she willing to try to be together again. If nothing else happens, Sam wants to apologize for how he ended things. She deserved better. He had promised her better.

All of this led to Sam sitting in a diner waiting for Andy. His heart leaps a little when she walks in the door. Hopefully, this can be the start of them really, truly being normal together.


	2. Chapter 2

_Originally this was a one shot, but I had an idea about continuing, so here it is. This is unbetaed and very short, but a good stopping place._

Andy McNally wasn't exactly sure that she was doing the right thing agreeing to meet Sam. He had broken her heart. However, he made just a heartfelt request to talk that she agreed to meet him. So she was heading to the diner. God help her she still loved him. She just wasn't sure that was enough.

Andy walks into the diner and Sam smiles at her. He's nervous, more nervous than she has ever seen him before. As soon as she sits down, the waitress was there asking if she wanted anything. Andy ordered coffee and some pie. She wasn't sure she actually wanted pie, but the former waitress in her felt compelled to order food.

Andy and Sam made small talk while they waited for the food. Sam mentioned that Frank had talked him into taking classes to be a detective and that he was probably going to be starting his rotation soon. Andy told him she thought he'd make a good detective.

The food arrived. As soon at the waitress walked away Sam said "Andy, I am so, so sorry. I screwed everything up. I did not handle anything well. I've been seeing a therapist to work on me. I still love you, and I'd be the happiest man in the world if you would give me another chance. Even if, you aren't willing to do that, I want to apologize, clear that air, and hopefully be able to work together when we need to.

"Sam, I'm willing to listen," was all Andy could say. So she did.

Sam started by apologizing again. He told Andy about the counseling. He told her about what he had learned about himself. He told her how things would be different.

When Sam took a breath, Andy realized he look absolutely shattered. She realized that Sam had done real work to change. She reached across the table to take Sam's hand. "I'm willing to try again, but things will have to be different, for both of us. I need to realize that while we are equals in our personal life, you have more experience on the job. We'll need to separate the personal and the professional a little. I need us to go slow."

"Whatever, you need Andy," answered Sam.

"Thanks, Sam. Listen, why don't you come over for dinner tonight? Gail's going to be staying over at Nick's. I'll cook, and we can finish catching up."

"Are you sure Andy? I said I'd cook for you," said Sam.

"I'm sure. Besides you haven't seen my new place. It's fancy," said Andy.


End file.
